She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm like, not good at living.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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