I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize