i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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