i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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