i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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