i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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