i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
