I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize