So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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