he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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