this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
