Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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