did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
