Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize