I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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