well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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