we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
