that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
