Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
