maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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