My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
