Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My ATM looks so different sober.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
