my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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