Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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