Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if you like me you must not know who I am
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
