Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
