I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
