dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Michael Bay diarrhea
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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