i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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