I could make wine with my vomit
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
