you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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