Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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