someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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