I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
