Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize