I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
