I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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