so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize