Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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