I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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