Please don't use social media to get back at me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
