he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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