Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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