Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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