dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize