It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
