someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
