i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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