Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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