I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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