textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
