Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
