I'm lost and stupid without you.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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