You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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