you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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