Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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