dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
