He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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