you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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