I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
