Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
