just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
