I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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