I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
