Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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